dragonray: (Default)
So I had really horrible dreams last night, i mean really horrible dreams...I am used to my nightmares they are pretty standard for me and have been for years...I don't think I go a night without being murdered via some method...and I guess I have dealt with that, but last night...last night was horrific....even by my standards....

I remember waking in the middle of the night briefly with tears, but fell asleep very quickly again as I rolled over...to the comfort of my D. Closer to morning apparently I was having rude dreams though and moaning etc so I guess that's a good thing, but as the morning has worn on and I have remembered more of my dreams last night I am becoming more and more sad about them.

My insecurities are really shining through at the moment in my head, I am not sure why, maybe because so many things have changed lately, in my head and my life. Perhaps I am trying to catch up with it all.

People always tell you to try and remember things about the dreams, colours, smells, feelings etc and there are only a few things that shine for me - I have never seen so much blood, I felt as is if i was being torn apart centimetre by centimetre, and the sense that the 5 people involved had set this up with the intent to harm me - and I mean set me up as in everything for the last few years was leading up to this "event".

anyway, maybe it is just PMT :) well I hope so!
dragonray: (Default)
Prince sent me an SMS this morning asking me to pass on his hugs and kisses to B....

he still has no internet, but he loves you babe!
dragonray: (sun dragon)
So had a great lunch with Prince, although we lost track of time waiting for my damn meal, anyway was lots of fun. He had me ins stitches for most of it and we even compared some bands when he wasn't on about techno :p pfft!

He is such a sweety and lots of gossip was learnt, but can hardly tell you guys all about it can I :p LOL That would be cheating now wouldn't it! And would be giving away his secrets :) he is capable of doing that without my help :)

Anyway, onto other things, I have 6 days until my holidays, only SIX days until I have like 3 weeks off without having to go back to work!

I have to make dates for all of my guildies now to chat to them about their gear, this is going to do my head in, but at least it will give me a chance to chat to them , if they don't all leave the guild :) HAHAH

What else....oh yes, we will be changing all the furniture in the house - the current louge room is going to be moved to the current dining room - and vice versa :) We will be hopefully doing that this weekend at some point....D and I can move the smaller stuff but we have to con our friends to come round and help with the bigger stuff.....doing ot for the party as well so we can have most people up one end of the house rather than split everywhere...if we can work it...

Any volunteers for the moving?? LOL need strong boys and girls :)


Apr. 15th, 2009 08:19 am
dragonray: (Default)
So I made a deal with the prince yesterday, he is coming to meet me for lunch - I have ulterior motives as to why I want to meet him before the party - and that is to suss him out :) Have to make sure he IS indeed good enough for my B, otherwise big trouble.

I hope B isn't angry for me meeting up with him, I would hate to think I am hurting her in any way, and I am pretty sure she knows that (if she doesn't I shall have to give her extra spanks at the party).

I am pretty excited about meeting up with him actually :) and a little nervous - I will kill myself if i stutter too much!

New raid instance in Ulduar - but it is patch night - deciding whether we go in or not....I think the guild would have me murdered if we didn't go and see the new stuff. So am excited about that :)

Too many things to be excited about at the moment :d

Party planning is coming along nicely...the house is getting set up at the moment, have to go and spend some money this weekend on material for the house and my skirt :) D is getting his sexy pants today and his shirt next week, I am ordering my contacts today - so they should be here in time, I haven't heard anything about my corset, so my fingers are still crossed that makes it here on time as I have no back up plan!

At work now so will write more later :)
dragonray: (Default)
This sums up my mood today - Me + Tired = bad....

Thoughts keep swimming in my head, pain, loss and all the things that I love leaving me alone in the dark cold depths of agony, searing pain ravaging my flesh with every passing moment. The breaking of my heart cracking like bone, my soul slowly being devoured by emotionless despair, why do we open our hearts to have crushed? Ice would be warmer then my stone heart.

Goodbye to you - Michelle Branch

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right


And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

[Chorus x2]

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star


Apr. 13th, 2009 12:46 am
dragonray: (Default)
So not much has been going on, Just organising party stuff and doing the roast lamb lunch on good friday :)

B has been unwell but has been popping in and out to say hello. Poor thing HUGS sweety, for when you read this! Her connection was also pretty shitty which meant I was not getting the usual experience out of her. The Prince was trying to cheer me up today, and it worked a little, wish I had longer to chat, so we ran a few heroics and I got to chat to him for a while when he managed to stay connected that is :)

Am feeling really down at the moment, due to RL friends being upset about in game stuff which I have very little control over if they are unwilling to be reasonable.

Will be spending most of monday cleaning the house...was supposed to do it today, but just got sidetracked with WoW.

Due to the feeling like shit thing, I really don't have much to write, I just want to sob quietly in a corner and have someone's arms around me holding the pain with me.


Apr. 11th, 2009 12:32 am
dragonray: (Default)
She stood, lonesome on the parapet of the castle's bluestone walls, walking slowly between the east and west turrets, her blue velvet cloak billowing out behind her in the cold wind, she shivered once and pulled it tightly around her; enjoying the warmth already there.

A warm scent reached her, and she brought the cloak up to face to bury her head into it, drawing deep breathes she could taste his scent in her mouth, feel his kiss against her lips once more, tears welled on her eyes. Her prince was far away from her, in another land, she had not heard word from him in weeks, her heart was growing heavy with sorrow and worry.

As she glanced over the castle walls, her heart leaped in excitement at the familiar sight of his horse galloping across the fields. The tears welled over as the joy became too much to contain. She lifted her skirts and ran down the narrow sentry stairs, yelling for all in her way to move, the closer she came to the courtyard the hoofbeats became more distinct.

As she stood awaiting her Prince in the courtyard, heart racing, face flushed and tears streaming down her face, she gripped the edge of her cloak tightly; forcing her shaking hands to appear calm and relaxed. He rode into the courtyard, the vision of the man she loved appearing before her, she searched his face and body for any signs of damage or hurt but found none. Her smile was like the sunlight dazzling his senses.

As her prince swung himself down from the horse and passed the reigns over to some yard hand, his other hand reached out to her, their fingertips touch gently as she forces her feet to move towards him in disbelief that he is really standing here before her.

Her knees tremble as she feels his arms surround her and pull her closer, she sighs in contentment as she feels her Prince in her arms. As she raises her face to look at him, his lips crush against hers in a deep kiss. So lost in the kiss she was unaware that he had picked her up and was carrying her through the courtyard to their room. As she broke the kiss off, she peppered his face with little kisses all the while listening to him whisper sweet words in her ear.

He had promised to return to her and keep her safe. Her Prince had done this.

Yes, I have strange thoughts about things :) The Prince is so in my head at the moment, I may have to write more about him and this love story...he is everywhere at the moment, he fills my head with images and thoughts. He doesn't answer questions though, he flirts on the edges of my vision, dancing just out of reach, he is intriguing. I want to know more about him, find out what he is thinking, where he has been, where he is going, who is she that he has been aching for?

He has been floating just out of reach the last few weeks, driving me slowly insane and tormenting me more every day when I find out one little tidbit of information, but never getting a full conversation out of him.

This is like a drug, I want more but don't know how to get afford it :) Will add more later, it is too depressing to know he wants to talk to me, but doesn't give me anything to work with, maybe one day he will open up and tell me his story without dancing around.
dragonray: (Default)
I'll Always Be Right There
Words and music by Michelle Branch & Jenifer Hagio

When you're all alone,
And you need a light,
Someone to guide you through the night,
Just remember that I am here,
To hold you close and dry your tears.


And just when you thought you were falling,
But you know I'll always be right there.

When you're all alone,
And you need a friend,
Someone to help you to the end,
When you need someone to catch you when you fall,
I'll be there through it all.


Just when you thought you were losing,
But you know I'll always be right there.

I'll be there through the good times,
And the bad,
And we'll be there for each other,
You're the best friend I ever had.


And just when you thought you were falling,
But you know I'll always be right there.
Oh-oooh whenever you need me,
I'll always be right there.


Apr. 9th, 2009 09:57 am
dragonray: (Default)
Last night, I think I was in heaven. There was beauty and laughter; moonlight; love.

I felt the weight of the world be slowly chipped away by B and D's laughter and flirtation over skype. Had me in hysterics with dirty texts being sent back and forth between them.

I felt content last night, as though everything was fitting into place, as though things were finally settling down into some semblance of order in my mind. The jigsaw puzzle that is me is coming together.

I even slipped up later in bed with D when we were having our nightly chats, about love and sex and how it had all changed for me...I said love instead of sex at one point - indicating they were possibly the same thing in my head now...after a fashion, so that was pretty awesome. Well more that I now can understand the emotion behind sex, rather than just the action of it.

The last few months have been hard with people drifting in and out of my life, friendships broken with no words being said, new friends that are mending that hurt and making me feel as though I am worth the effort. The knowledge that you can affect other people's lives by just being you and showing them they are also worth something.

Unless you let people in, to see who you really are, the pain you carry, your burdens, your joys, time won't heal all wounds.

You are time.
dragonray: (Default)
So, B is coming to my party - all the way from the homeland...should ask her to bring me a sheep back :) I am picking her up at the airport on the morning of :D

Mrs Minx is bringing an old friend with her as well, I haven't seen him for so long I am so excited!! May have to bear hug I think!!

I have been making new friends lately that are just throwing my whole world into a tizz :)

I have always been easy to make friends with, I try my hardest to fit into all worlds, but I have this odd feeling that lately I am making friends that really will turn out to be friends for a very long time.

They are all able to make me smile and feel so safe, rekindling old feelings of security and trust and warmth.

I am feeling the sensations as though for the first time, I can't wait to tell Emma about all these new feelings I am having. I am not bogged down with the effects of being rejected by my friends when i needed them most. I am not concerned with the lack of love, I can begin to feel the love, all the different variants of it - and I am enjoying the sensation.

Imagine a mountain of soft fairy floss, and me rolling about on top squealing in delight and throwing it in the air to have it land back with the rest....

I love.


Apr. 5th, 2009 04:42 pm
dragonray: (Default)
Feeling pain for my minxee :) HUGS sweety!!! and B - he is like a walking calamity :) every week he has injured himself...shall we stick him in a cotton room :) LOL hugs and kisses to him for his wrist :)

OK D and I have spent all morning (and most of the day) cleaning the house/yard in preparation for my party. My back is throbbing and my arms feel like jelly...don't know how I am going to raid tonight :) eheh But it feels good to be getting everything cleaned up....

We are planning on hiring a trailer so we can cart off the hundreds of huge garbage bags we currently have piling up :) It will be nice to get rid of all the rubbish hanging about the place :) BUt man is it painful :)

I will be heading out to footscray next week to find some cheap material that i can hang around the house..actually...I just had a fucking thought!!! I should pull out all the old window lace I have in a box and dye it all red/black and hang that - save me some money!!! OMG

be back late r- off to find all the lace!!


Apr. 3rd, 2009 10:49 am
dragonray: (Default)
is supposedly a virtue :)

haven't seen hide nor hair of my B today, but it is still early I guegs...just hoping everything is ok and nothing untoward has happened.

if you read this before I speak to you, just know I am thinking of you and sending big warm hugs your way :D

clumsy wolf

Apr. 3rd, 2009 08:38 am
dragonray: (Default)
ON a side note, I was going to work this morning, had a massive dizzy spell and then fell down and hit my head on the edge of the table :)

So Drew is home with me today coz he is going to take me to the Dr's later :) and my head is now throbbing :)


Apr. 3rd, 2009 08:32 am
dragonray: (Default)
My birthday is a month away, I have ordered a corset for the event, I am going to look either really sexy and busty or like a fat chick trying to look sexy and busty :) either way, it could go horribly wrong :)

But I am not phased :) i am going to be all dressed up and drinking and having a ball!!

need to work out some nibbly things to have here and still need to go and get some material for the event so i can make my skirt and also hang some around the house to make it more goth like :D

Need to buy candles as well, put all the DVD's and breakables away etc and make more space for all the candles :) Also need to make up some CD's of music to have running in both ends of the house AND need to clean all the linen , pull all the mattress' out of storage so people have places to crash :)

The winds of change as they say...I wonder what the next few years will bring...Starting to feel good lately :) Something is in the air, I can feel it stirring. I feel the blood pumping in my veins, the adrenaline bursting through me and wanting a release. I have a hunger that cannot be sated, but I do not know what it is I am craving. I am a ravenous wolf, on the hunt, searching for that elusive kill.
dragonray: (Default)
OK so raiding has taken up most of my life recently, as has running a guild, aside from the mental issues, but what happens when something happens that makes you not want it as much anymore. it being and unknown item that you feel you no longer crave.

There was pain with what he did to me, he bruised, cut, hurt, and devoured my soul leaving me broken, heartless and wanting to die...I can deal with that....

But when you actually tell someone you barely know about all that, and feel the need to cry like a baby with their comforting words, does that actually make it truth then?

I no longer want the kill, I want the love, companionship, friendship - I have found in someone miles away the kind of friendship and love I think I have always been looking for. There is something so complex about this new relationship, I am drawn as a moth to flame (sorry for cliche).

We share a common pain, a similar history, the same tastes in things :p, and in the few weeks we have known each other I feel closer to this person than anyone (excluding hubby of course), they know more about me than some friends of years and yet they stay and want to know more and share their experiences as well. It is so nice to be able to talk to someone who shares the pain and the hurt and knows what you are going through from personal experience, you can compare scars and help rebuild trust in the world.

They are coming to my birthday party in May - SQUEEE!!!! - from overseas....sure to see other people as well, but they are coming to my party to meet me and hang out with me and be part of my life. The favour will be returned one day soon!

Some people come into your life when you need them most, when you feel the end is drawing you in, when you feel the hopelessness building, I hope this person doesn't leave anytime soon, they are so much more than a voice on the other end of a voice tool at the moment.

Thanks B, I owe you so much more than I can offer.
dragonray: (Default)
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yeah it is awesome :) if only it was my arse:D
dragonray: (Default)
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perfect shape would be not round right?

V8 super cars or crash derbies - they would be more my style :) :)

dragonray: (Default)
So I went to my archives and found I have been on LJ since Febuary 2003....LOL ok so scrap one year thats 5 years on here blogging about my life....

I must go back and read it all one day, I am sure it will be a dead boring read :)

I miss LJ to be honest, it was always a nice lace to vent :) and celebrate and have fun on :)

Perhaps now is the time for me to get back into it with less depression and more excitement :) LOL
dragonray: (Default)
So anyway, had a really fun day in game today :) I just played the game to enjoy and not be a GL for the night :)

I pissed off my officers I think, but well that happens - I will fewel bad about it for the next few weeks then I will be over it :/

Anyhoo, onto other things, I am feeling slightly buzzy :)

I have made a to-do list for my birthday and it has like 50 things on it...thank god I will be off for the week before my party :) I want to make myself a nice skirt for it as well :)

Going to have a wicked outfit - if I can manage to get squeezed into my corset again....I have a month to lose some weight to seee if it is possible, otherwise I may have to investigate the possibility of buying a new one....SUCH A SHAME!!! LOL I may need to pick minxee's brain on how to do a goth look for the night....it has been nearly 14 years since I went through my goth phase :)

Anyway, still have to do my invites - they haven't been done as yet....hopefully tuesday night :) I will send out an invite via email as well :)

giddy up

Mar. 29th, 2009 09:23 am
dragonray: (escher)
Managed to get over the depression, stemming form my apparent lack of friends interested in celebrating my birthday with me...so my solution....I am having a birthday party - i don't give a flying fuck who turns up - if it ends up just being me, D and my two damn dogs, I am going to get drunk, play loud music and dance my arse off :) (more than likely the loud music and drinking will happen, followed by loud sobbing and hysterics ).

So here is to me and my non event of turning 30 :)

Here is a little paranoia for you Mr Journal - maybe people don't like me all that much but put up with me because of Drew? hrmmm there's something to consider ?

Onto other things....i had to take mum to the hospital the other night due to some complications with her recent surgery..everything is ok, but I managed to get home at like 6am so my weekend has now been very hazy coz I am just so damn tired :)

D is doign some invitation up for me over the next few days, so I can get them printed out and sentt o whomever needs them :) YAY for me :)


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